To Africa Without You
by HaveringFool
Summary: Sometimes, we lose someone, because we are simply too afraid; and we say nothing, instead of saying what we really wish to say. Other times, we say it all, and the person still does nothing at all. [Can be taken as a stand alone, or part one; part two is 'No Africa Just You']


I ring the bell. I wring my fingers. I dry my palms on my pants.

The door swings open.

"Maura." A smile forms, unbidden.

"Jane? Didn't you say you wanted to turn in early tonight?" She pulls me in.

"I did," I stuff my fingers into my pockets, "I couldn't sleep."

"Nightmares Jane?" She moves into the kitchen. "Tea?"

"Beer Maura?"

She seemed hesitant to, but she reaches into her fridge for me.

I lift the cap and take a sip, a long sip.

"Do you want to talk about it or it's just my beer you fancy?" She leads me to her couch. I see journals left opened on her coffee table.

"Am I disturbing anything Maura? I can go." Rash Rizzoli; vacate immediately.

"Never Jane. You're always welcomed here." She tidies up a little.

That won't be for really long now, would it Rizzoli.

"Are you really leaving Maura?"

"For Africa?" She asks, and I nod. Another sip.

"Yes Jane. Ian wrote. He asked me to go over to him and, I've always wanted to be a part of doctors without borders."

I pick at the beer label.

"Do you still love him?"

I ask without wanting to hear the answer. No, I want to, but I don't think I can bear to.

"He asked. I'm going over. For the program." She's looking at Ian's letter on the table in front of her. I look at her. I take a guzzle.

"What is it Jane?"

I'll miss you.

"I don't see why we have to lose the medical examiner to Africa where pretty Australian accent coated Ian will be."

"We, Jane?"

I take a sip. She'll be gone tomorrow Jane, you have to tell her. I have to tell her that I love her.

"Me Maura," I look at the close to shreds beer label in my hand, "I'll miss you Maura."

"What do you mean Jane?"

It means that I'm losing you. I'm losing you to Africa and I can't get you back.

"Nothing Maura, nothing." Of course I say it's nothing. If I say nothing, it'll be nothing. The pain won't be anything.

I stand to leave.

She sighs.

"Jane, sit. Stay. I have things to say." I hear her, asking.

I remain standing. If I run, I'll never feel the pain.

I sit. She asked me to. So I sit.

"You're deceptively complex Jane," she sighs and I cringe, "But I see it. At least I think I see it. Can you at least tell me why you're here tonight?"

I run my hand through my hair. I want to bury my face in her hair.

"I can't Maura, I can't." If I say it, it'll be real. If I say it, I'll lose you, for real.

"You can't say it or you can't feel it? You can't or you won't Jane? Because Jane Rizzoli, I've had it with you." Her eyes are closed and her lips are pursed. Oh no.

"You're all tough and heart on your sleeves when it comes to suspects and criminals but you don't even have the guts, yes your intestines, to tell me what you meant to tell me. You come ringing at my door, in the middle of the night and you end up saying nothing. Nothing. You stand up to leave and what? To just let me go? To Africa? To Ian? What is it Jane? Do I have to be the one to say it first? Be the first one to elicit some sort of a tangible opportunity before you will risk it with me Jane?"

I hold my hands; to keep steady. I reach out for her. She rubs at her temples and ignores me.

"Dean. Casey. Dean. Casey. I sit through the men in your life like how a proper best friend would. I see you happy with them and it hurts me but I say nothing. Why would I jeopardize your happiness? I sit through all the men you choose to be with and I hardly ever utter a word. I throw you hints, I tell you I love you and still, you do nothing. I try to move on, I date again and all you do is whine and poke fun and or express explicitly your dislike, disgust and even disapproval at all of them." She raises her hands to stop me from saying anything; she means to continue.

"I set up double dates, for you and for I. I find a cute enough man to take my mind off Jane Rizzoli and you Jane, finds Jorge too feminine for you. I gave you a way out by letting him assume you're gay. To show you that I'm okay with it if you were indeed gay. You still said nothing. You asked nothing too. Is it so difficult Jane? To brave it for me? To ask, or to even say something. For me?"

"I all but opened the invitation to my heart to you when it came to Giovanni Jane! Yes maybe I should be direct and forthcoming. Maybe I should be all brazen and go Jane, I love you. Jane, hold me, babe. Jane, I'll be your Life-long Best Friend, your LLBF; I'll be with you. Jane I'll love you and your family," she looks at me, "And I did Jane. I do love your family. Maybe it wasn't as explicit as you needed it to be but I've tried Jane. I tried. I have tried in all the ways I know how. Hints. Come ons; I don't just have facts and statistics about sex Jane. I set up a lesbian dating profile for you Jane and I literally told you that dreams can come true. I care for your mother Jane but do you really think I'll be so open and welcoming to anyone and everyone? It's my guest house Jane. I'm Maura never had any friends Isles. I don't know people, I fear live people and I open up my guest house for your mother. A lovely lively woman. I have tried Jane and, if the only way to fall out of love is to fall in love with another, I think I've cheapened myself enough with my tries. As pathetic as they may have been too, one having been a serial killer, and I'm not proud of it Jane. I'm not proud at how I've gone and just figuratively tried to snag any man just to fall out of love with you," she shakes her head, she presses the bridge of her nose and she shakes her head, "And of course, it still doesn't work. I'm still in love with you."

My heart soars and sinks; it shoots straight up and plummets straight to the floor.

"I won't take the route of cowardice and come out of it knowing less to nothing. I have fears too Jane, of losing you if you don't feel the same but like research Jane, if you don't try to find out, the answer would never be known. We started as friends and I've never ever had a friend. Don't you think I'll be afraid to lose you too? I don't think I'll be able to get used to being alone again," she takes in a breath, "I've tried loving you. I've tried falling out of love with you. I've tried being friends with you. I've tried letting you go and I've tried loving you Jane. Now, Ian wants me. Should I be staying here whilst you continue fooling around with your cowardly games? Hiding behind oh my dear Casey and then running to me for advice when you're too scared to actually do anything about your feelings. I'm a person too Jane. However socially awkward I may be or how great my fear for live people may be, I am a person too Jane. I need to respect and love myself too Jane. I think I deserve someone who can actually follow through with and admit to what they feel."

She takes my hand.

"I love you Jane. But I can't hit pause on my life any longer. If you can't find the strength, reason or even simply love enough to do right by me and be honest with me, to even want to be with me, then I'll do the leaving Jane. I know you won't leave me. I wish you meant it in the way I hope you do. I wish you'll stop being afraid Jane but, it's been long enough. I think I know enough. I had my chance, you had your chance and we had our chances. I love you Jane and I'm sorry. I just need you to know how I feel, even if I have chosen to go. I don't want to leave thinking, if only Jane had known, maybe things would be different. I love you Jane."

She lets go.

"Go home Jane. You have your family, and I'm leaving for Africa. Where I'll actually be of some significance and use," she stands, "I won't see you out. Bye Jane. Do take care," she runs her hands through my hair and kisses the top of my head. She turns to go. To leave.

I just sit there.

I just sit there and stare.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~  
>At that point in my life, I needed this conversation of sorts to happen, but, it doesn't always have to be this way. I do have a part 2, where this gets better - 'No Africa Just You'<br>This is a re-upload.  
>Thank you, for the time=)<p> 


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